


She's Prettier Than I'll Ever Be

by paradox_of_retaliation



Series: What do you see in those green eyes? [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Cheating, Developing Relationship, Fights, Flirting, Implied Sexual Content, Infidelity, Jealousy, M/M, Rating May Change, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23345464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradox_of_retaliation/pseuds/paradox_of_retaliation
Summary: Kimi deals with the happiness, guilt and possessive jealousy that come with being in love and having a relationship with a taken man."Who are you texting?" from Kimi's POV.
Relationships: Hanna Prater/Sebastian Vettel, Kimi Räikkönen/Sebastian Vettel, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: What do you see in those green eyes? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/149559
Comments: 15
Kudos: 70





	She's Prettier Than I'll Ever Be

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theianitor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theianitor/gifts), [ColdWhiteLight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColdWhiteLight/gifts).



> If you haven't already, please read the previous two parts to understand what's happening! You'll be completely out of the loop if you don't. ;)
> 
> This took me embarrassingly long, I hope there are still ppl interested in this series! Thank you to theianitor and ColdWhiteLight for listening to me whine about how hard this was to get out, you both deserve medals for putting up with it. 😂
> 
> Things in "( )" are small flashbacks.
> 
> Title from Neon Hitch's song "Fuck U Betta".

2014

**1\. Ehditkö puhua?**

Kimi walks through the front door of his house, shoulders sagged but a content feeling in his chest. He lets out a long, relieved sigh as he takes in the familiar furnishing of his home, the natural light streaming in through all the big windows making everything seem even more welcoming and peaceful.

There really was no better place than home.

 _Well, actually…_ He makes an amused noise as a thought occurs to him. Maybe home is only the _second_ best place.

Kimi shakes his head, smiling to himself. Fuck, he is in deep.

He lets himself dwell on these happy thoughts while he drags his luggage up the stairs and to his bedroom, unceremoniously dumping it onto his bed before following its suit.

He lands on his back with a soft thump and lets out another long sigh, allowing his muscles to relax and sink into the soft bed cover. He can feel the aches of a long race weekend still lingering deep inside his muscle tissue, but fortunately they are also accompanied by various much more welcome aches all around his body.

Kimi brings a hand up to his neck, pulling aside the collar of his oversized hoodie, and feels around for the bruises he knows to be there. Dark hues of purple and red against his pale skin, very much visible for anyone who would look closely enough.

As his pointer fingers presses against one of them, he feels a pleasant shiver travel down his spine, and can't help the full-blown smile that stretches onto his face.

Long flights are much more enjoyable with good company, he has discovered. Even better when said good company usually joins him on all the longest flights during the season. Most of the time even on the shorter ones.

When it comes to things like this, Kimi is grateful that he has more than enough money to rent a private jet for all these excursions. While the idea of getting their hands dirty on a public airline is exciting, it is also quite possibly the most risky option for their careers and private lives.

So, yes, money has its upsides.

Kimi pushes down the ever-present guilt that tries to rear its ugly head once again and tell him that throwing money on what is basically just a highly expensive and very unsustainable affair shouldn't make him so happy.

No, he shakes his head, he doesn't want to call it an affair. It's _not_ an affair. He is divorced, he doesn't need to answer to anyone anymore and he has the right to be happy with whoever he wants.

_If you really think what you're doing wouldn't qualify as an affair, you're either stupid or lying to yourself._

"Shut up," Kimi groans.

Why couldn't this so-called conscience have told him to not be a cheating asshole when he was still married? He wasn't even the one stepping out now, yet it felt ten times worse than all the drunken one-night stands with random pretty faces all those years ago.

Is this some kind of personal growth? Is he finally maturing at the ripe age of 34?

Kimi snorts to himself. While it might feel ten times worse when he is alone, he'd _really_ be lying to himself if he tried to say it didn't also feel a hundred times better than any one-night stand or relationship he'd ever had.

No personal growth, then. Fuck guilt.

Now he just misses Sebastian. It hasn't even been 3 hours since they went their separate ways at the airport, and Kimi is already itching to see him again. 

Maybe he could convince Sebastian to stop by before Malaysia? Not that he'd need much convincing, but it's the sentiment that counts. Going to Sebastian's house for once would be a nice change of scenery, but unless Hanna has plans with her friends for the whole day, it's too risky. They've already had one close call and that's one too many in Kimi's book.

And so Sebastian doesn't ask him to come to his house anymore unless there is no chance of interruptions. Which has been a very rare occurrence as of late.

Kimi can't blame Hanna; if he could spend all his time around Sebastian, he wouldn't want to stay away any more than he absolutely had to either. Doesn't mean Kimi likes the idea of them together any more though.

The thought of Hanna sends a tiny spark of jealousy through him, as usual. This time it's closely shadowed by a wisp of guilt, but Kimi feels like being selfish for a change and firmly suppresses it.

Jealousy it is. It's better than feeling like a home-wrecker, in any case.

Sebastian must be home by now, Kimi thinks as he spares a glance at the clock on his bedside table. Hanna would be home for the day, too. She wants to be there to welcome Sebastian home after every race. 

He sadly knows this very well, because Sebastian has turned down countless chances to spend more time together just to hurry home to her. He says it's because he doesn't want to make Hanna suspicious, but every rejection still only works to feed this damn jealousy that has taken up permanent residence inside Kimi.

Kimi rubs his hands over his face as the horrible feeling coils tighter in the pit of his stomach.

He also knows they still sleep with each other.

This had been another painful revelation after one time Sebastian had showed up to his house with faint scratches on his back. Kimi had known instantly he hadn't been the one to put them there, because Sebastian never let him mark his body in any way. The fact had instantly put him off of what they had been doing and not long after he had asked Sebastian to stop.

("I always think about you when it happens. I promise, Kimi."

"And how often does 'it' happen?"

"Kimi..."

"How often, Seb?"

"...I try to make excuses but...every three days, at least. I'm sorry..."

"That's a lot of dick you're giving me in your head. Is that why you always just flop on your back and tell me to do all the work?"

"Oh, so you think I've been neglecting your needs?"

"Yes."

"...Get back here, then. We need to fix that.")

He still doesn't know what he had expected. Of course Sebastian would have to sleep with Hanna, if only to just keep her from finding out about who _else_ he was sleeping with. 

Or at least that's what he keeps telling himself to protect his sanity. It works most of the time.

At the very least, Sebastian has since allowed Kimi to start using his teeth and nails as long as he "doesn't add anything new" and "only improves upon the ones Hanna has already left" on him.

That's fine by Kimi. To begin with he had never had any particular qualms with not getting to mark Sebastian, letting Sebastian mark him had been more than enough. Problems had really only arisen once he had been made aware of a certain someone else's liking for it, after all.

A memory of Sebastian's face from when Kimi had raked his nails down his back with intent to leave marks for the first time flashes through his mind. This specific memory has never failed to stroke Kimi's ego, and today is no exception.

He wouldn't be outdone by any girlfriend.

Though the more Kimi thinks about it, the more his creeping suspicion that Sebastian has started to ask Hanna to be more generous in her...affections, just to give Kimi an excuse to return - or often double - said affections, grows. Or maybe he just likes the messier, less coordinated sex when Kimi is jealous.

It is probably the latter. Sebastian can be a real bastard sometimes. Apparently that is Kimi's type: a pretty looking bastard. 

Though, to Sebastian's credit, he can also pull the "supportive, loving partner" role off amazingly well, much better than any of Kimi's previous relationships.

Now if only he'd agree to break up with his girlfriend and start actually calling Kimi his _something_. Partner, lover, boyfriend; Kimi would be okay with any and all of them at this point. Anything would be better than this no man's land where he still sometimes feels like he is fighting a losing battle against a much stronger opponent.

He had never thought a day would come when he would _want_ to be called someone's boyfriend, but here he is, practically ready to beg for it. As if it wouldn't make him sound like a desperate teenager with his first so called "crush".

Fortunately he still has some pride left.

Not enough to stop him from wanting to hear his bastard's voice though. Kimi pulls his phone out of the pocket of his sweatpants and types out a quick text to Sebastian.

_'Ehditkö puhua?'_ **Do you have time to talk?**

Typing in his mother tongue when texting Sebastian still feels unnatural, especially because he has to avoid using the slang and spoken language he himself is so used to to make sure Sebastian can understand him.

But Sebastian says he wants to learn. To understand what Kimi is saying when he is angry and grumbling to himself, to be able to talk to Kimi's family and friends when they come to races, to make Kimi more comfortable talking about things that are still difficult for him in his English.

He realises he is smiling like an idiot as he presses 'send' and watches the text whoosh away. 

Kimi could have never said no when Sebastian had sounded so excited and looked so eager to make him happy. It had felt so much like what actual couples would do for each other when they had decided they were in it for the long haul. Till death do us apart, and all that good shit. 

It had made Kimi so happy he had had to kiss Sebastian right then and there, not caring that he had interrupted him in the middle of a sentence, nor that it had taken Sebastian a full ten seconds to finally get his head back into gear and kiss him back. 

It hadn't been the best kiss they've shared per se, not even close, but to this day Kimi still thinks it had been as close to perfect as you could actually get.

_Vrrr vrrr_

Kimi brings his phone back up to his face.

 _'Olin suihku. Odota sekunti!'_ the message reads. **I was a shower. Wait a second!**

He snorts. Sebastian still has a way to go when it comes to conjugation.

It's kind of...cute.

His phone vibrating again cuts this highly embarrassing line of thought short, and Kimi hurries to answer the now incoming call.

"Hey."

_"Hi! Sorry I took so long, I was in the shower when you texted!"_

Kimi chuckles, "Yeah, you said already."

He can practically hear the excitement in Sebastian's voice when he answers, _"And? How did I do? Clearly you understood so it couldn't have been that bad!"_

"The second part was good. The first..." He coughs to try and cover the fact that he wants to laugh. "You said you were a shower."

The groan that he gets in answer cracks Kimi's resolve for good, causing him to burst into laughter.

Yes, definitely very cute, Kimi thinks fondly. No one else needs to know he thinks so.

**2\. Haluan enemmän, haluan sinut**

Kimi isn't sure how he ended up here, drinking his umpteenth beer with a spilled over bottle of vodka and a bunch of broken glass next to him, lying on the wet grass in his backyard. The back of his shirt and his shorts are soaking up the wet dirt from the ground, only helping to add to his horrible mood.

Fucking evening sun is still glaring down at him, too.

Actually, he lied. He knows _exactly_ how he ended up here. And why.

Another wave of water rains down on him as his sprinklers continue their rounds. Back and forth, back and forth. Kimi had tried to kick one of them in his anger after he got soaked the second he stepped outside, but had only succeeded in hurting his foot and falling on his back on the slippery grass. He had hit his head on the ground in the process, but was too drunk to care if he had actually hurt himself.

He looks to his left, giving the spilled vodka another mournful look. It was all the stupid fucking sprinkler's fault the precious clear liquid was now watering the grass instead of Kimi's insides.

Fuck.

Kimi lets out a strangled cry and throws the still half-full beer from his hand with as much force as he can muster while lying on his back like this. He hears a loud crash as it lands on his porch and breaks, probably spilling all its contents on the light wood and leaving a stain.

That's just fucking great.

He gropes for his phone, half-hoping he would have broken it as well when he fell. No such luck though. The phone is in one piece and still working perfectly. Not even the water has done anything to it yet.

He opens his messages and glares at the latest contact, telling himself the moisture he feels collecting in his eyes is simply down to the sprinklers. Scrolling through the short 'conversation' that had commenced, the moisture in his eyes spills over and rolls in annoying, big droplets down into his ears.

Kimi pays it no mind. He is too busy reliving the fight he had had with Sebastian over the phone.

\--

It all started with a good friend of his making a joke about how Kimi was so competitive he couldn't even have a relationship without having to have someone to compete with.

While his friend laughed, Kimi didn't find this so called joke amusing in the least.

They were both well on their way to being drunk, his friend having dropped by for drinks while conducting some business in Switzerland. Maybe it was the alcohol coursing through his body or the fact that Kimi knew his friend had a warm hotel room waiting for him somewhere in the city, but he felt no guilt snapping at him and practically throwing him out of his house while screaming at the top of his lungs that he could go fuck himself because Kimi didn't want him anywhere near him ever again.

Possibly a slight overreaction on his part.

His friend looked shocked and tried to apologise, but Kimi had worked himself up into a proper rage and wouldn't hear any of it. He gave his friend the finger and told him to get off his property before Kimi called the police on him.

Yeah, a definite overreaction.

As his friend scrambled to his feet and started hurriedly wobbling down his driveway, Kimi turned on the sprinklers just to see him shriek in horror when cold water suddenly showered him from all sides.

Kimi stormed back inside and slammed the front door shut behind himself so hard he swore he could feel the nearest glass walls shake. How satisfying it would have been if one of them had broken, he thought as he yanked his phone out of his pocket and pressed speed dial.

 _"Kimi?"_ Sebastian's voice answered after only two rings. He sounded so happy about the spontaneous call and Kimi couldn't stand it. _"What are you-"_

"I'm fucking done," Kimi spat out, squeezing his free hand into a tight fist.

There was silence for a long second before Sebastian spoke up. There was no happiness left in his voice now; he just sounded worried. _"What do you mean? Where are you? Did something happen?"_

"Oh yeah, something fucking happened! I realised what a piece of fucking shit you are, and I'm done!" Kimi yelled.

_"Kimi…"_

"Fuck you! I'm not doing this anymore!"

Sebastian made a placating noise to try and calm Kimi down. _"What are you talking about? Kimi, have you been drinking? You sound drunk and you know-"_

Kimi cut him off, "I'm talking about us! And there's no more 'us'! I'm fucking sick of you and your perfect little life that I get no fucking part in unless you want your dick sucked after a race!"

_"Kimi, please, let's not talk about this when you're-"_

"Shut up! For once just shut the fuck up! Just- don't say anything... Please." Kimi could feel the fight slowly draining out of him. "You don't get it, Seb. You'll never fucking get it." He huffed in defeat, his eyes stinging. "I'm tired of this... I don't want to do this anymore."

 _"You don't mean that! Kimi, listen to me, you're drunk and upset and you're not thinking straight."_ The alarm in Sebastian's voice only made Kimi feel worse. He had never wanted to be the reason Sebastian sounded so scared. _"Let's talk about this, okay? Tell me what got you this upset and I'll fix it. I promise I'll fix it. Please, you know I…"_ His voice faltered. _"You know I-I...care about you and I don't want you to get stuck in your head and get all these wild ideas about things, okay?"_

Kimi laughed weakly, "You won't even _say_ it. Not even now for fuck's sake. You only say it when we're fucking!" He wiped at his eyes and let out a shuddering breath. "This isn't enough. I don't- You're never going to say it back no matter how many fucking times I say it to you, are you? You always just wanted the sex. And _I'm_ the fucking idiot who couldn't stop himself from being a needy bitch and wanting more."

 _"No!_ No. _Kimi, you need to calm down."_ Sebastian sounded desperate. _"Please. That's not true and you know it. You do know it, right? Fuck, you_ have _to know it! You don't actually think that, do you?"_

"Then fucking say you love me!" Kimi yelled, his voice breaking despite his best attempts to keep Sebastian from hearing he was now crying.

 _"...I- I, Kimi..."_ Sebastian hesitated. Kimi waited, his throat feeling tighter and tighter as the seconds ticked by. After almost a full minute of Sebastian stuttering, Kimi had given up and was sure he had got his answer.

"See? You can never say it when it matters because you don't really love me," he said quietly, breaking the silence between them, utterly defeated. "Fuck." He brought his hand up to his face and pressed it against his eyes to stop the damn tears from falling. He felt pathetic.

 _"No, Kimi, that's not true!"_ Sebastian was crying, too. Whereas Kimi was keeping himself relatively under control, Sebastian was making no attempts to hide how distraught he was. _"I'm sorry, okay? It's just... Please, I need more time,"_ he pleaded.

Kimi sneered, "I'm tired of waiting for a miracle, Seb. Find someone else to play your fuck buddy." He paused, feeling something in his chest constrict painfully. A half-hearted chuckle left his lips. "Oh, right, I forgot... You still have a girlfriend for that. Great. You can start fucking her daily now instead of every three days. Good for her. What a lucky fucking woman she is!"

He hung up before Sebastian could say anything more.

Sebastian tried calling him back not ten seconds later. Six more attempts followed, but Kimi resolutely ignored each one of them. Finally, his phone went silent and it seemed like Sebastian had tired of trying.

_Vrrr vrrr_

...Or maybe not.

Kimi opened the text.

 _'Vastaa minulle!'_ **Answer me!**

Why Sebastian was still bothering to type in Finnish after what had happened was beyond him.

_Vrrr vrrr_

_'Tulen sinne jos ei vastaa!'_ **I'm coming there if no answer!**

Kimi snorted. "No you won't," he muttered bitterly and put his phone away without bothering to reply. 

He decided to get properly blind drunk after the call with Sebastian. It was the only logical next step. Numb the pain with alcohol and be too hung over the next day to think about it. The perfect plan to move on, his inebriated brain told him.

\--

Kimi stares at the screen full of texts Sebastian had bombarded him with after he had last checked his phone in the afternoon.

The last one is from a little over an hour ago and has nothing but a bunch of question marks in it. Kimi does only a quick scan of the rest of the texts, his vision swimming and his head pounding like there was someone swinging a sledge hammer against the inside of his skull.

 _'Sanoit tulevasi tänne. Vitun valehtelija.'_ He sends it before he can think to stop himself. **You said you'd come here. Fucking liar.**

A reply arrives almost instantly. _'Anna minun soittaa!'_ **Let me call!**

Kimi blinks hard, trying to clear away the fog that is creeping in from the corners of his eyes. _'Painu vittuun'_ , he replies. **Fuck off.**

_'Mitä sinä haluat??'_ **What do you want??**

His fingers move of their own accord and type out the reply, _'Haluan enemmän, haluan sinut.'_ **I want more, I want you.**

_Vrrr vrrr_

Kimi's eyes snap open. He hadn't even noticed them close.

 _'Olen sinun',_ the screen reads. **I'm yours.**

Kimi barks out a sharp laugh that trails off into a wet sob, that damn moisture from earlier pooling in his eyes again and spilling down the sides of his face. Fucking sprinklers. In a spur of the moment his phone is flying in an arch over the expanse of the backyard and landing in his pool with a splash.

Kimi drops his arm back to the ground, the harsh movement having drained him of all his strength. He feels something sharp dig into the skin of his bicep, but his eyes are getting foggy again and he physically can't force them open again to see what it is once they slip closed.

A warm, wet feeling wraps around his arm, and his mind goes blank.

\--

Kimi stirs as his body shakes.

What is happening? Is he having a damn seizure now? No, he is being shaken. There are hands on his chest. _Someone_ is shaking him.

Why does he feel cold and wet all over? He tries to shift a little and feels a flare of pain. His left arm feels like it's on fire. What on earth did he do last night?

Kimi winces as the person shakes him again. On top of his arm hurting like a bitch, his head feels like it's being split open by a chainsaw and this repeated shaking is making neither feel better.

"-mi!"

As he is shaken once again, Kimi manages to open his mouth to try and tell the person to stop, but only a pathetic croak comes out when he actually tries to speak. Instead of an answer, he feels a pair of lips press against his own as warm, soft hands cup his face between them. The person pushes Kimi's wet hair back before planting a gentle kiss on his forehead, too. It's so tender.

"...scared the shit out of me...would have to call an ambulance...you're even alive...idiot!"

The person sounds relieved. What had they been worried about? Him? Where is he? Did he pass out on a beach and almost get taken by the tide or something?

Hmm. The sea. Water. Wet. Water is wet. Sprinklers... Sprinklers! He is in his backyard! He got wet because of the damn sprinklers. But that doesn't explain why his arm and head hurt.

"-open your eyes?" the voice says. Asks.

Kimi's eyelids feel like they're made out of lead. He struggles for a minute but manages to crack them open in the end, just enough to see a blurry sliver of the face hovering above him.

"-you go! Just a little bit more!"

It takes great amounts of concentracion and sheer will power but Kimi manages to force his eyes all the way open. He stares into familiar blue eyes that almost swallow him whole.

Sebastian. Seb. He came.

"Wait here. Don't close your eyes again!"

Sebastian's hands drop away from his face and he gets to his feet and sprints out of Kimi's field of vision. He can't turn his head to see where he went for fear of upsetting his head even more.

He already misses the gentle way Sebastian had stroked his cheeks. He feels so dizzy and the touch had made it a little bit better. He sighs and looks up at the sky. The sun is shining again, Kimi notes. He can hear birds singing, too. It's morning. Did he sleep outside the whole night?

It has been maybe about five minutes when Kimi feels the ground tremble slightly and Sebastian reappears in the corner of his eye. He crouches next to Kimi and gives him a bright smile when he notices Kimi had listened and kept his eyes open.

"I got water. I couldn't find the strong ones you used for your back so these will have to do." Kimi glances down at Sebastian's hands where he is holding a mug and a packet of painkillers. "You need to sit up to take them. Can you do that on your own?"

Kimi hesitates for a second before carefully shaking his head. Even the slight movement causes his vision to swim though and he feels his stomach twist painfully.

He is going to vomit.

Sebastian must notice the sudden urgency in his eyes, because he hurries to set aside the water and the painkillers and helps Kimi turn on his side so he won't vomit all over himself and accidentally inhale some of it. Kimi groans in pain again when he has to move his arm.

The first retch comes and goes, followed soon after by another one that triggers the wave of nausea and the onslaught of sick. Kimi's ears are ringing and he has tears running down his face as he empties his stomach of its contents on the grass over and over again. There's a firm hand on his shoulder helping him stay hunched over without falling face first into his own vomit.

Once the nausea finally passes, Kimi lets out a pained moan at how horrible and raw his throat feels and tries to flop back onto his back. Sebastian doesn't let him though, and pulls him up into a sitting position. He moves behind Kimi and settles on the ground so Kimi can lean back against his chest.

Kimi slumps against him in relief and doesn't protest when Sebastian wraps his arms around him to hug him to his chest, burying his face into Kimi's hair.

"...You will get wet," Kimi whispers hoarsely, coughing a little afterwards. The mug of water immediately appears under his nose and Kimi takes it gratefully, taking a long sip to soothe his burning throat. The painkillers are next, and Kimi pops a couple out of the packet before swallowing them with the rest of the water.

"Little better?" Sebastian asks softly, dropping a kiss to Kimi's hair.

Kimi nods mutely and stares blankly at the ground in front of him. He doesn't know how he should feel or what he should say now that the immediate need to vomit has passed and things are quiet.

Sebastian clears his throat. "...I wasn't lying. I told you I'd come. Just couldn't leave the house last night, because… But I wanted to. So fucking badly."

Kimi huffs, but stays otherwise silent.

"What happened to your phone?" Sebastian asks hesitantly. "I tried calling when I got up and again from the car but it said your number wasn't available."

"Threw it in the pool," Kimi says and raises a shaking arm to point towards said pool. "It probably drowned."

Now it's Sebastian's turn to huff. He squeezes Kimi a little tighter. "I was scared you'd done something stupid."

"Passing out on the grass for the night isn't stupid enough?"

"You could have fallen in the pool yourself," Sebastian counters, "You could have sliced something else open with all that broken glass!"

Broken glass? Kimi frowns in confusion. "What are you on about?"

Sebastian curses under his breath. "I had to pull a huge piece of glass out of your arm when I got here! Your arm and shirt are covered in blood!"

Kimi looks down at himself and sure enough, there is a very big browning red stain on the left side of his shirt, and flaking dried blood all over his arm. Next he notices the scarf wrapped around his arm that already has fresh blood soaking through it. It's Sebastian's favourite scarf.

"...Oh. Wondered why my arm hurt," he mumbles, giving the scarf a tug. He feels a little bad seeing it all bloody like this. "Should probably get that checked..."

"You don't say," Sebastian replies sarcastically.

Annoyance flares through Kimi, overwhelming all other emotions, and he starts struggling in Sebastian's arms. "Fuck you! I didn't want you here in the first place! If I'm so damn stupid then just fucking go! Why did you even bother coming?! Go fuck your girlfriend and leave me alone!" He manages to dislodge Sebastian's arms from around himself despite Sebastian's attempts to keep him in place, and tries to get up on his feet. 

Unfortunately, his head doesn't agree with this idea and he stumbles forward, landing hard on his hands and knees on the ground with a pained hiss. His head is spinning, his body is shaking and his arm feels like it's ripping open. Kimi lets himself collapse on his front and moans in pain when his arm flexes and another wave of agony shoots all the way down to his fingertips and up to his shoulder.

He hears Sebastian scramble to his side and flinches when he goes to touch his arm.

"Fucking idiot!" Sebastian exclaims in exasperation.

He helps Kimi sit up again and pointedly ignores the glare being aimed his way. With concern written all over his face, he pats Kimi down carefully to make sure he hasn't hurt himself even more with his fall.

When their eyes meet, Sebastian tries to give Kimi a small smile and reaches over to wipe a piece of grass off of his face, but Kimi flinches away from the touch, so he drops his arm as a sad look takes over his features.

"Why is it so difficult for you to accept I don't want to go anywhere?" Sebastian asks.

Kimi is ready to argue, already opening his mouth to tell Sebastian _exactly_ why it's difficult for him, but Sebastian doesn't wait for an answer and just keeps going.

"You think I want my 'perfect little life'? Fuck that! Why would I bother learning Finnish or keeping in touch with your brother if I didn't fucking want this?!" 

Kimi's eyes widen in surprise. _That_ is new. "You- You and Rami _talk_?" he asks in disbelief.

Sebastian doesn't seem to have even heard him as he steamrolls ahead, now talking more softly. "If I didn't want more than just sex, I wouldn't be doing all _this_." He motions at Kimi's current disheveled state. "I wouldn't be here bringing you pain killers or panicking that you had drunk yourself into a fucking coma when you wouldn't wake up."

A warm feeling blossoms in Kimi's chest, spreading up his neck and even reaching the tips of his ears. It is a welcome change to the damp cold of his clothes and hair and only gets more intense when Sebastian raises his gaze and locks eyes with him again.

"I would have left by now if that's what I wanted, Kimi," he says seriously. "Do you see me leaving?"

Kimi is speechless. He shakes his head.

"I couldn't sleep because I kept remembering what you said on the phone." Sebastian reaches to hold Kimi's hand between his own and smiles when Kimi doesn't try to pull away. "You sounded so...sad. I've never heard you sound like that. I kept thinking, 'Fuck, you've really fucked up this time. You made him cry over the phone and he thinks you don't want him. Great job, Sebastian.'"

Kimi can't help but snort. Despite the seriousness of the topic, the way Sebastian worded it painted an amusing picture in his head. It's absurd, but Sebastian seems happy to have made him laugh too, and - spurred on by this - dares to move closer until their knees are touching.

"Uh, so." He laughs awkwardly. "Feel free to laugh if I fuck this up..."

Kimi stiffens, suddenly alert. What is happening? He has no idea what is coming; whether it would be good or bad or-

"Minä rakastan sinua."

The pronunciation is horrible and Sebastian's voice shakes a little, but the message is clear as day. Kimi can't breathe. That damn moisture from the night before is back, gathering in the corners of his eyes again and blurring his vision.

He clears his throat and swallows, chuckling nervously. "You know what you just said? You didn't learn the wrong sentence..?"

Sebastian grins brightly and succeeds in knocking all the remaining air out of Kimi. Who needs oxygen, anyway? Certainly not Kimi.

"I love you," Sebastian repeats, this time in English. He leans forward and presses their foreheads together. "I love you so much. I'm so, so sorry it took me this long to just say it. You were so patient with me and I don't deserve any of it... I got so lucky."

Kimi shivers happily. He has waited _two years_ to hear Sebastian say those words outside of bedrooms and hidden corners of the paddock, and it sounds exactly as addicting as he had imagined. He can't wait to hear it again.

Unfortunately, he'll have to wait, as it seems Sebastian has mistaken Kimi's shivering for that of cold.

"Fuck, I'm sorry! You're freezing!" He scrambles to his feet, breaking the moment between them, and pulls Kimi up with him by their still connected hands. "You should have said something! I was just talking and you're still in wet clothes!"

Kimi lets out a surprised laugh, swaying a little on his feet. "I'm fine..." he says.

In answer he gets a look that says 'You're in no position to be assessing your own condition after last night so just shut up and do as I say'. Kimi pulls a face back but lets himself be led inside and straight into the downstairs bathroom.

"Get out of those clothes," Sebastian orders firmly, "Your lips are turning blue."

Kimi raises an eyebrow and glances at the mirror. "No they're not."

"Will you just do as I say for once in your life?"

"I do as you tell me all the time," Kimi mumbles under his breath and starts pulling his wet shirt over his head, mindful of his arm.

"I heard that. And _that_ doesn't count," Sebastian says as he fiddles with the shower settings. Kimi chances a brief look and finds out he'll be enjoying a scalding hot "steam" with "massaging jets". Of course Sebastian would be worrying about his back even at a time like this.

"You're not going to join me? Make sure I don't slip?" Kimi asks with a small pout when Sebastian turns around to leave. He allows a smug smile to stretch onto his face as he watches Sebastian give his naked body a quick once over.

"No." Sebastian trains his eyes strictly on Kimi's face. "You need to be careful with your arm."

"I don't need my arm for it, do I?" Kimi pushes his tongue against the inside of his cheek in a lewd gesture and gets the desired reaction when Sebastian flushes pink and shoots him a half-hearted glare. 

"And you said _I_ was only after sex," he grumbles while Kimi only laughs at him. "You'll get a _kiss_. Then I'm leaving you to shower while I go fish your phone out of the pool and clean up all the mess you made."

Kimi gives him a fond look, still chuckling, and holds out his arms. "Get over here then. Make up for not doing it when we were outside."

"You were _cold_ ," Sebastian tries to argue even as he practically glides over the tiled floor to be wrapped up in Kimi's embrace. "There are priorities."

"See, that's where you are wrong." Kimi points at his mouth. " _This_ is your priority. The rest can wait."

Sebastian just snorts and effectively shuts him up by pulling him into a long-awaited kiss by the back of his neck. Their arms wrap even more securely around each other, hands finding clothes or skin respectively to grip for purchase. The kiss stays relatively languid and gentle despite the elephant in the room that is Kimi standing there in all his naked glory with Sebastian's right hand trying - and failing - to stay put on his lower back.

Kimi reluctantly breaks the kiss with a groan when Sebastian squeezes his ass and tries to push his tongue into his mouth.

"My mouth tastes like shit," he whispers hoarsely.

Sebastian sniggers. "I know," he agrees, but pulls Kimi back in for another kiss regardless.

\--

Sebastian's eyes almost bulge out of his head when later that day Kimi's doctor announces that, not only does Kimi need stitches on his arm and antibiotics to battle any possible infections, he also has a mild concussion.

By the look being directed at him, Kimi can only assume he won't be getting drunk again for a _while_. He'll be lucky if Sebastian doesn't purge his entire house the second they get back.

...It'd probably be too much to ask for Sebastian to not tell Mark about what the cause of said concussion had been, wouldn't it?

**3\. Ikävöin sinua**

After their fight, the brief overnight separation that had followed, and Sebastian fussing over both his head and arm, things have been so good Kimi can hardly believe it.

For the first time since this thing between them had started, Sebastian had cancelled his plans with Hanna for the Monday following the Belgian Grand Prix in favour of staying with him and spending the whole day in bed, resurfacing only for bathroom breaks and room service.

("Fuck, why haven't we done this before _?"_

__

__

Kimi gives him a look.

"Right...My bad, sorry." He smiles sheepishly. "You're a genius, Kimi."

"I know," Kimi agrees and pecks him on the cheek.)

His car might be shit and the season might be his worst since his debut year with Sauber, but he hasn't been this happy in years and, apparently, it shows.

Besides the small circle of his closest friends and his brother, Mark is the only person that knows about the depth of his and Sebastian's 'friendship', and he hasn't missed a chance to give Kimi knowing looks whenever he catches him smiling at his phone or sneaking back to the motorhome after meeting with Sebastian.

"You've been awfully cheerful lately," Mark says in a way of greeting as Kimi returns to the safety of his driver's room only half an hour before the first round of free practice in Hungary.

Kimi hums in answer and doesn't bother trying to school his face into a blank. It'd probably be painfully obvious where he has been and what he has been doing either way. He is sure his mouth is red enough to give anyone an idea. And this is Mark; Kimi doesn't have to hide anything from him. Mark would rather fire himself than betray his trust.

Mark shakes his head, giving Kimi a teasing look. "How was Sebastian?" he asks before going back to mixing the various suplement he has Kimi drink with his water every single day. Kimi gives the mixture a cursory glance but, as usual, doesn't bother asking what's in it. In another hour or two he wouldn't remember the names of all the powders anyways.

"Eager," he replies nonchalantly.

Mark nods in acknowledgement. "And did you have fun?"

" _So_ much fun."

"I'm glad to hear you enjoyed yourself."

Kimi feels his mouth stretch into a smirk and it only widens when Mark spares him a glance and he notices a matching smirk tugging on his trainer's lips.

"And did you remember what I told you yesterday?" Mark asks, trying and failing to keep the amusement out of his voice.

Kimi has to bite his lip to stifle a laugh. "'No anal before you're done driving'."

A muffled snort escapes Mark's mouth and he finally abandons his powders to turn to give Kimi his full attention. They only manage to stare at each other for five seconds before both of their resolves are cracking and they burst into laughter. 

Kimi slumps onto the massage bed, his sides hurting from laughing, and watches in amusement as Mark attempts to compose himself and wipe tears from his eyes. He lets out a final chuckle before sitting back and meeting Kimi's eye again.

"Well, since you're sitting down without any problems I guess it's safe to assume you listened for once." He gives Kimi a look. "But in what kind of condition did you leave poor Sebastian? Do I have to expect a visit from Antti later?"

"No, really. We didn't fuck. Just kissing and...hugging." Kimi feels his cheeks heat up and reaches to rub the back of his neck in a rare show of embarrassment. "He started stroking my hair and I fell asleep."

Mark raises his eyebrows in surprise, which earns him a weak glare from Kimi. His smile softens. "You've really gone and fallen in love again." It's a statement, not a question.

"Don't act like that's news to you," Kimi scoffs, face still pink.

"No, I know. What I meant is, I hope it'll work out. You know I want you to be happy again." Mark reaches to pat Kimi's knee and smirks. "Makes my job a hell of a lot easier when you're not drinking your feelings and giving yourself concussion."

Kimi groans, "Fuck off, it was two months ago!"

"I'll be happy once you make that two _years_."

\--

"I think we need to take a break."

Kimi blinks and gives Mark a confused look.

"You're distracted. You heard nothing of what I just said, did you?"

"Uh..." Kimi furrows his brows and tries to search his memory for _anything_ , but it's hopeless. He has no idea what Mark is talking about or what he _has been_ talking about.

Mark shakes his head, looking slightly exasperated with him. Kimi feels the tiniest bit guilty. Just the teeniest tiniest bit though.

"Figured as much. My suggestion of including alcohol into your daily dietary plan would have caught your attention if you'd been listening," Mark says, putting down his clipboard and grabbing a water bottle. He throws it to Kimi who catches it with practiced ease. "And before you get hopeful, we're _not_ doing that."

Kimi rolls his eyes at his trainer and uncaps the bottle before taking a big swig. "You and Seb should write a book together about all these fucking jokes you have about my drinking," he says sarcastically.

Mark laughs, "Stop giving us easy material or I'll pitch the idea to him the next time he's visiting!"

"Vitun mulkku," Kimi grumbles under his breath as he heads towards the bench where he had left his phone and towel.

"Do you kiss Seb with that mouth?"

Without looking up, Kimi gives Mark the finger. "I eat his ass with this mouth," he says.

Mark's laughter rings in the gym as Kimi wipes his face with the towel and goes to check his phone. 

_**1 new message**_. The corner of his mouth ticks up into a tiny smile.

Sebastian.

_'I know you're probably working out with Mark but I decided you should know I can't stop thinking about the other day and we should do it again. This time I'll do the work and you can just enjoy! And yes, I KNOW I didn't use Finnish but it was a long sentence and I didn't want to fuck it up!'_

Kimi's smile widens. He feels his face heat up and automatically pats his forehead with the towel again.

'Was it that good?'

The reply comes almost instantly. _'Täydellinen!'_ **Perfect!**

'Let's do it again then. If I had known you liked it that much I would have done it earlier,' Kimi types back.

_'I didn't know you could fucking cook! You're like a wife but better.'_

Kimi huffs and types a reply: 'I prefer husband.'

_'Maybe one day.'_

Kimi's stomach does a small flip. Fuck. Well then. He licks his lips nervously. It tastes salty. Sweaty. He dabs his mouth with the towel.

How is he supposed to answer? Is he supposed to ignore the implications and joke back or give a serious answer? They hardly ever talk about the future because usually it only succeeds at sending Sebastian running for the hills, but he brought it up this time. Does that mean he is finally becoming comfortable with the topic?

Another message pops on screen: _'Was that too much?'_

Kimi bites his lip. Was it too much? Not really, he actually quite likes the picture it painted in his mind. A future where Sebastian has an even bigger role in his life. Living under the same roof. Sharing everything.

...Maybe even kids?

The thought causes his stomach to flip again.

He could finally show Sebastian how to do motocross, too. It would be nice to ride together. Kimi purses his mouth in thought. Should he get Sebastian a bike for Christmas? He would like that, wouldn't he? It would probably also get Kimi laid. Which is obviously nice, but not the main thing. Just seeing Sebastian happy would be enough-

"Kimi? You alright?"

Kimi snaps out of his thoughts and looks up to see Mark crouched in front of him with a curious look on his face.

"Hmm?"

"Are you alright?" Mark repeats, "You were just staring into space."

Kimi nods his head. "Yeah, I'm okay. I was just thinking."

"About..?"

The heat returns to Kimi's face. "Seb," he replies.

Mark snorts. "Of course you are." He gives Kimi an amused look and pats his knee. "I should just assume that's all that goes through your head nowadays. You're a man of simple needs."

Kimi tries to glare at him, but only feels the heat in his face intensify. It's a losing battle. He sighs deeply, bracing himself.

"He said he wants to get married one day." At Mark's puzzled expression, he adds, "To _me_."

It's like a light goes on behind Mark's eyes. He looks suddenly very interested to hear more. It makes Kimi smile. It really must be a good thing if Mark is reacting like this.

"That must have felt good," Mark says, patting Kimi's knee again. Kimi recognises it as a subtle prompt for him to tell him more. Mark is so used to playing Kimi's psychiatrist he settles into the role automatically whenever anything significant happens in his life.

"Yeah," Kimi hums, "it felt really good."

"He's never wanted to talk about things like that before, right? This was the first time?"

Kimi nods, feeling his smile widen.

A smile appears on Mark's face too. He brings one hand to Kimi's shoulder and gives a gentle squeeze while shaking him a little. "This is great! Really great! What did you reply?"

Kimi pauses. "Shit," he says, "I didn't."

"Well go on then!" Mark laughs, giving Kimi's shoulder a shove. "Quick, before he decides to never bring this up again! We need to marry you off before you get too old!"

This time Kimi manages a proper glare, short-lived as it may be, as he hurries to open his phone.

"You're one to talk. How long have you and that girlfriend of yours been together again? 10 years?" he mumbles while typing out a quick reply to Sebastian. 

He feels Mark punch his shoulder before he gets up and leaves Kimi to his phone again. He grins to himself and keeps typing.

'It was nice. I'd like that.'

Sebastian's reply comes not 10 seconds later, _'Don't expect any diamonds. I don't think they'd suit you!'_

Kimi laughs. The bastard had probably just been waiting to say that.

'I had diamonds on my helmet once,' he counters.

 _'And here I thought I was the one that liked sparkly things!'_ Then, _'That's pretty great though.'_

'I'll let you try it on when you come over,' Kimi types, making a mental note to check that said helmet is clean and still looking good.

 _'Is that an invitation?'_ comes Sebastian's reply, accompanied by a ridiculous looking emoji that is winking. It makes Kimi snort.

'Ehkä.' **Maybe.**

Sebastian follows Kimi's suit and switches back to Finnish, _'Milloin?'_ **When?**

Kimi glances at the time and to his annoyance realises it's too late to ask him over today already. Hanna would get suspicious.

'Huomenna?' he suggests instead. **Tomorrow?**

_'Niin pian?'_ **So soon?**

Trying to suppress the full-blown smile that takes over his face would be pointless, so Kimi doesn't even bother to make an attempt. Sebastian has always had that effect on him, of making him lose control of his face to a point where he'll be sporting a ridiculous smile whenever the other is merely inhabiting his thoughts. It gets even worse when Sebastian is talking to him, let alone touching him.

Kimi has resigned himself to not having any say over his facial expressions for as long as Sebastian is in his life. Which he hopes will be a long time. A _very_ long time.

There are much worse fates out there, Kimi thinks. He got very lucky.

'Ikävöin sinua,' he types back eventually. **I miss you.** It sums up everything he is feeling. He also knows it's as much of an explanation as he needs to give to convince Sebastian of anything. After all, while Kimi might have been in too deep from the moment Sebastian first kissed him, Sebastian is faring no better. They're both each other's biggest weakness.

When there is no answer, Kimi smirks and puts his phone away.

He is aware Sebastian has a tendency to forget how to function for a while whenever Kimi tells him he misses him. It's frankly one of his more endearing habits, so Kimi lets him have his moment and goes back to his water bottle. He has some catching up to do with his daily water intake anyway.

"How'd it go?" Mark calls from the other side of the gym.

Kimi takes another sip of water. "He's coming over tomorrow," he says, flashing his trainer a toothy smile.

Mark sighs and checks his clipboard. "In that case get your ass back over here and keep training. You're going to be completely useless for the entirety of tomorrow so you'd better push twice as hard now."

"I'll get cardio tomorrow, it's okay," Kimi laughs as he checks his phone one last time in case Sebastian has recovered quicker than he expected. He hasn't. Kimi smiles to himself and shoots Sebastian a quick follow up text to let him know he will call him after he's done in the gym.

"Keep dreaming," Mark smirks, "You'd have to have a lot of sex for that. _Too_ much."

Kimi shoots him an amused look. "Who said anything about sex? I'm going to take him cycling on the trail I like."

"Do _not_ fuck in the forest!"

"Mm. I got bit by ants the last time I tried," Kimi muses. He takes one last long swig of his water before abandoning the bottle on the bench with his phone and joins Mark, who looks highly suspicious.

"...Let's continue with the cable curls," he says slowly, giving Kimi a calculating look while he watches him get into position. "When you said-"

"I won't do it again," Kimi interrupts him. "Stop thinking about me fucking and count me."

Mark keeps squinting at him until suddenly his eyes widen in realisation. "No! That time you two disappeared during the hike and left me and Antti behind, you were having _sex_ somewhere in the woods? Really?!" He punches Kimi's arm. "Learn to hold back! There's a time and place! Someone could have seen you!"

"That doesn't sound like you counting, Mark."

Mark rolls his eyes and gives his arm another punch. "You deserved all of those ant bites. I'm being serious! What would you have done if someone had seen you? Or even worse, seen _and_ taken a picture of you?"

Kimi pauses, pursing his lips in thought. The obvious choice would be to use it as an opportunity to finally come clean and come 'out', as they say. Come out as what though? Gay? Something else? In a relationship with a guy who already has a girlfriend? 

What would Sebastian's reaction even be? Would he be okay with it all?

...Would he choose him or decide to stay with Hanna if he was put in a situation like that, where basically the whole world would be judging him and pressuring him to make a choice?

Kimi doesn't want to think about what he would do if Sebastian decided to leave now when they had been making so much progress together. This isn't racing; he doesn't have a plan B to fall back on in case things go wrong. Sebastian is his plan A _and_ plan B, all the way to plan Z. There's nothing else. No safety net or emergency protocols. _Nothing_. Just Sebastian.

"I don't know," he admits honestly, "I don't know what I would do. I don't even know if he would stay, so it doesn't really matter."

Mark sighs and places a hand on Kimi's shoulder. "You have to be more careful," he says, "If something's this important to you, you can't take risks like that." He pats Kimi's shoulder to get him to look at him. "And for what it's worth, I don't think he would leave you. You don't get to see the way he is around you like I do." 

The way Sebastian is around him? Surely Kimi would know that better than anyone else.

"I know what he's like."

"I don't think you do since you're still scared he's going to just up and leave when things get tough."

Kimi bristles. "Well what is he fucking like then?"

Mark squeezes his shoulder to placate him. "It's all in the eyes, really," he starts, smiling at Kimi. "He likes to stare at you when you're not looking. And he does a lot of staring. _Especially_ when your back is turned."

Kimi gives Mark an unimpressed look. "You're saying he won't leave because he likes staring at my ass?" he asks sarcastically.

Mark snorts. "It's not just your ass!" he counters, "He stares at your face, too. Has this soppy look on his face as he does and gets all embarrassed when I catch him doing it. You'd find it sweet too if you ever noticed."

Kimi shrugs, trying to seem nonchalant, though he is almost certain Mark can tell the redness of his face has nothing to do with working out and everything to do with the conversation they're having.

"Apparently he's not the best cook out there, just to warn you. Be nice to him tomorrow, okay?" There's a teasing note to Mark's voice.

Kimi's brow furrows in confusion. "I didn't tell you what we talked about."

Mark grins at him. "He's been texting me, panicking. Asking what you like. Panicking some more. Seems he liked what you made him so much he doesn't want to be outdone. He's taking this very seriously!"

Kimi snorts. Of course he is. Sebastian never knows how to do things like a normal person.

"And what did you tell him?"

"I'm not telling you," Mark tuts, "That would ruin the fun of it. And not to mention he would glare at me for the next two months if he knew I tattled!"

"Fine," Kimi chuckles, "let's hope he doesn't poison me then."

"I have poison control on speed dial already, don't worry." Mark motions for Kimi to continue his curls. "Who would pay my salary if you dropped dead, right?" he jokes.

"I left you to Seb in my will," Kimi says, slowly getting back into the rhythm. "I'm sure he has a free shed somewhere for you. It won't be a long move so you'll survive without water and I've told him and Antti to be nice to you. You've got used to the nicer things living with me, but I'm sure Seb can handle you."

"...If you have time to talk so much, you're not doing it right. Pick up the pace."

Kimi laughs. "Yes sir."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> I appreciate all comments, even just a heart emoji is enough. <3
> 
> Chapter 2 will hopefully come soon, I'm working on it! 🤞🏻


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